a story by Marcia Kardatzke
As we open this story we see a middle aged woman in a mental hospital.
Well, Mrs. K do you know why you are here?
No, Doctor BlankenBran, I really don't. I guess I just sort of blacked out.
Well.. what is the last thing you remember?
Well... doctor.. I was on the computer, chatting with my Golden Retriever friends.
Is that all you remember? Do you know why your family sent you here, Mrs. K?
Well....., yes Dr. BlankenBran.... they think I am obsessed with dogs. Especially Golden Retrievers.
Well, what do you think? Tell me a little about you childhood...
Well... Doctor. I was a pretty normal little girl... Had toys. None of those stupid ditzy Barbie and Ken dolls. Why Ken didn't even have a er... never mind. Well anyways. I had plastic and glass animals... Dogs of every breed. A few horses too. You know the sets with a mommy, daddy and baby horse...? That's the sort of toys I played with...
What about your brother?
Oh. I didn't let HIM play with my plastic dogs.. let him get his own... He was into other stuff anyways. Lighting fire crackers in glass jars so he could see the explosion, setting the canyon on fire, shooting the neighbors with his BB gun.. you know just normal boy stuff.... I did put collars on him and drag him around a lot, and would say "Come on Bobo" (I called him Bobo the dog) "Sit now! Sit pretty!".. but my mom made me stop when my brother started begging at the table. He got to where he wouldn't eat unless you scratched behind his ears..
Anything else you remember about your childhood Mrs. K?
No.. doctor.. like I said, it was a pretty normal childhood...
Week TWO at the hospital
Well Mrs. K. How are we feeling today? I trust we are ready to delve into this OBSESSION with Golden Retrievers some more???
Uh. Yes.. Errr DR... Are you "on line" ??
(scene fades to black as orderly drags Mrs. K off with a sedative)
Mrs. K!! What are you doing with that BLONDE WIG!!!
Well, Dr. I always wanted to be tall.. and blonde... with big brown eyes...
That's crazy! (of course that is why you are here). You are a short brunette with big blue eyes....
Yes, I know that doctor. But I have been reading about how some people think dog food turns their dogs certain colors and I thought that was the dumbest thing I had ever heard of. But now I am not so sure... I have been seeing Golden Retriever people that used to be brunettes and now they are BLONDES!!!!
And Mrs. K. How do you explain that???
Osmosis, doctor, osmosis and super blue green algae..
Week Four.. the final week
Dr. Blankenbran... I want to thank you for taking such good care of me. I think I am cured now!! No more obsession with Golden Retrievers! No more referring to women as being good whelpers... no more pictures Golden Retrievers all over the house while the grandkids pictures are stuck in a drawer... No more shouting to people as they come in the door "Don't take your shoes off!!! You'll never get the hair off those socks!!!" Yes, Doctor. I am fine now. Could I have some more of those little pills you gave me...??
Dr.Blanken GOLDEN!! bran!!! I am having GOLDEN! a relapse! GOLDEN!!! Golden Golden GOLDEN KEEP THOSE GOLDENS ROLLIN... RAWHIDE..!!!
Last we heard from Mrs. K. she was living in a remote area somewhere in Alaska with several champion Golden Retrievers and one husband.... I understand she is off medication now, but the last Golden Retriever she bought she told her husband it was "a sign from God" that she buy this dog as she was born on her birthday....