Happy Mother's Day 1999 A letter to her mother by Marcia Kardatzke

Dearest Mom... Little did I know how much pain those words would cause me this year.... First the shock of your lung cancer just a few short months ago.. The month I spent caring for you then was priceless.... I thought we had a little more time... The doctor said 6 months. maybe a year.. I took a few weeks to go home, tend to my own family matters and let you spend some great time with your brother and his wife.. How I loved hearing you and he go " member when?" Such funny stories you two could tell about your childhood.. Then suddenly a call... Come... hurry, come quickly.... Wednesday,April 14th into the hospital ... Friday night. the 16th I arrive.... but it was too late for you to regain consciousness. The morphine drip was heavy... You had not responded for 36 hours... Soon... it would be time soon... "Momma.. Momma I am here" I said.. no response.... I needed some time with you by myself. The others left... Lori and I stayed for a while.. "Momma... I am here" I said a little louder.. I held your hand.. Even though you were unconscious... I knew, somehow I knew you could hear me... I sang some of your favorite songs... Softly,, very softly ... "Amazing Grace how sweet the sound.... " I could not sing it without crying... "Oh Momma, how I love you.... " I prayed... silently to Jesus... Please help us.... please, she is suffering.. Mamma.. I sat there and watched you gasping for air.It pained me so.... Like a fish taken from the water, you lay there gasping... "Oh God!!!.. how could you let her suffer so? She doesn't deserve this.!!! She was a good mom. She was a good wife... Generous, kind, loyal.. She DOESN'T DESERVE THIS!!! Listen God!!!... Listen to her suffer... please help us..." Quietly I begged God.. I sang again... I talked to you as if you were awake... I sang... but this time I sang "Jesus Loves me" while I held your hand.. I felt a twitch... my hand.. You squeezed my hand!!!! Mamma... I know you can hear me!!!  Jesus is here with us and the angels are all around, singing with us..Do you hear them mamma? You squeezed my hand a few more times as I sang again... this time one of my favorite songs.. "The Lord bless you and keep you...". I left for the night as my sister and aunt took over the night shift. In the morning I got up, didn't even comb my hair (what a sight I must have been! ) no make -up, hair sticking up every which way... I, put my jeans on and headed straight to the hospital. Something was pulling me there, quickly, QUICKLY!!! it said.... They all left and again I was alone with you... Saturday April 17.... I don't know what all I did for the next 45 minutes.... prayed, sang, talked to you (even though you were unconscious and the gasping for air became even more pronounced.. No hand squeezes this morning, no response at all... I prayed..... but not out loud... I had something to say just between God and me. Oh God.. Stop it!!!! THIS IS NOT FAIR!!!.., Take me instead.. I will go in her place...!!!! Please PLEASE GOD HELP HER!!! If you are not going to cure her of the cancer then take her home to be with you... I cried, I begged I pleaded with God..... I ended my pray with "okay, whatever you decide God..I am powerless, you are the creator... I will accept what ever you decide..." Funny thing mamma... Right after that, maybe 30 seconds, certainly not more than a minute... your breathing slowed.. Oh ....... I thought, you're going to be okay.. no more gasping for air.. Then I realized what was happening... Here I am with the mother that I love dearly and she is taking her last breaths of air........... I held your hand the whole time. I don't know if I sang then or what I did. But then I heard the last breath.. They call it the death rattle... the sound of your last breath here on earth..... I don't know how long I sat there before the nurses came in. Maybe 5 or 6 minutes.. Holding your hand still, even though the spirit had left.. I don't know when the spirit leaves the body and I did not want you to die alone. I was with you to the end... just you and me..... You didn't die alone.. I have never been with anyone when they have died... Wasn't like what I imagined.. although I am not sure what I thought it would be like.. "She's gone" I said softly to the nurse a few minutes later when she came by to check.. She looked at me oddly. Was I suppose to scream or cry or call 911 ?? She checked for a heart beat..Went and got another nurse and she checked....Then they said, "are you okay?", "Yes, Yes...I am fine...just let me have some time with her alone" I heard the lady in the next bed crying softly..I wanted to go and comfort her and tell her it was okay but I was afraid to let go of your hand. What if the spirit was still there?? I wanted to be with you till the end..It was 20 minutes before the family showed up as the line was busy.. So I sat there, just you and me..I held your hand the whole time...A little bit later the pastor came in..Why do they keep pestering me? I just wanted to be alone with you... He was asking something about donor stuff...He has been on the phone... I let them borrow your eyes, mom... He told me that perhaps someone could see again because of you.... Wow..Wouldn't that be neat (and kind weird too...) knowing that someone somewhere was looking out into the world with your eyes?? Maybe someone could see a flower for the first time or their husband or wife or new born baby..all because of you? I could meet a stranger on the street and he could be seeing with your eyes.. "Take them" I said.... I think you would have liked the funeral mom.. I did what you wanted. The beautiful handmade quilt was wrapped around you and your jar of Oklahoma dirt was there too. Remember when we went back to your home state and picked it up from the place where you were born? What a fun trip that was. Should have seen the funeral director when I told him I was putting a jar of dirt in with you. I started to laugh as he seemed so horrified. Bob did a great job at your service mom. He especially spoke fondly of your homemade cinnamon rolls that you fed him and his judge friend. He spoke of the years of helping other people. It was a nice service mom..His daughter and wife sang some of your favorite songs..I know he makes a lot more money being an attorney but what a great job he did.. and I know how much you liked him. he did a great job.. I got a letter from the donor network today. They told me that they would send me a letter if they could not use your eyes.. I let it sit on the table for quite a while..afraid to open it , afraid not to open it. Well, heck..the week has been rotten anyway so go ahead, give me some more bad new I said to myself as I tore it open. I read it in shock. Had to read it twice. Your eyes had helped to restore sight to TWO people!!!! Not one, but TWO !!! Of course, you know me...old weepy eyes... I burst into tears.... Two people somewhere can see because of you... I wish that I could let them know how special those eyes are. Those eyes, that were so loving and caring for 69 years... I wanted to put something in the casket with you... I was going to put your eye glasses in with you... Someone, not sure who...said, she needs her glasses...But then I thought....no you are in heaven now..You can see just fine without your glasses..and two people here on earth can see just fine because of you..... I love ya mom... I miss ya mamma... Happy Mother's Day I will see you one of these days your loving daughter... Marcia...