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Lord Tweedmouth

A humerous look at men and their dogs

by Marcia Kardatzke

I don't recall ever reading that Lord Tweedmouth, or Lord Tweedfoot or Lord Tweedbutt or whatever the heck his name was - anyway, I don't ever recall ever reading where he said he wanted a Golden Retriever to do agility, or score a perfect 200 or do service work or visit old ladies in a nursing home or sniff for drugs, or run around a ring, or look for bombs or dead bodies or live bodies or retrieve 187 thousand birds in one day. I think his Lordness (is that a word?) was a rather wealthy old fart that wanted a nice dog to go out and kill a few birds and to get away from Mrs. Lord Tweetmouth (called Tweety for short) who was always yelling at his Lordness to take out the trash or to pick up his dirty underwear off the bathroom floor etc., etc. Lord Tweetmouth, being a normal Lord (and man) responded with a "Yes dear! As soon as I go out and kill some birds for tonight's supper," and off goes his Lordness with his favorite dog (who was snoring by the fireplace) to go do "men things" (i.e. kill something, smoke cigars, and tell lies). And - after a day walking about, smoking cigars and telling lies, he wanders home with a few dead birds, a tired wet dog that goes and lies by the fireplace and life goes on. Mrs. Tweetiebird in the meantime has butchered a chicken and has it frying on the stove, knowing the phrase "a gentleman hunter" means that while the neighbor and his crazy Chessy will bring home a hundred birds that day, his Lordness is out for a day with the dogs. I on the other hand...am eternally grateful that Someone, Somewhere bred some nice dogs for me to own and be my companions, play gently with my grandchildren, visit old ladies in nursing homes, play in the lake, fly in my planes without puking, and go chase ducks with "His Lordness, Bif the Kennel Boy" who - like Lord Tweedmouth, even many hundreds of years later - still has to pick up his underwear himself - or Mewzik will carry it around singing and parade it out the doggie door to the propane man as she did last year.


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